“Photograph”

(Performed September 2021, written November 2021): The biggest critique Isabel had for me was to be softer with the movement. Looking back now, it’s almost like I needed to be softer with myself: softer, kinder, more forgiving. My body was broken and it was frustrating; I couldn’t jump, lunge, even plié like I once was able to. The pain was debilitating, but I felt this need to push through to keep up. Feeling “less than” because of an injury is complicated because you’re blaming yourself for something that is out of your control. I’d sit in the shower and cry after 5 hours of ballet, not because of the intense pain I was in (well maybe a couple tears because of that), but more so because I felt limited; no longer the dancer I once was. However, in the past year I have become stronger than I have ever been. I completed two semesters of dance theatre training with a torn labrum; I (reluctantly) modified movement, strengthened surrounding muscles, and, most importantly, took the time to learn about my body. Although at the time I felt weak, I’m looking back and realizing how much of a trooper I was. There’s strength in pushing through, but also in listening to your body. I’m getting surgery next month, woohoo! But in the meantime, I’m accepting the current state that my body is in, pudgy and all. It’s OK to give yourself a pat on the back; OK to realize how far you’ve come; OK to indulge in a pint of Half Baked when you’re feeling…anything, really. 2022 is for self love and a new hip.